Feelings on My Sleeve

No new news on the adoption front, but I did announce to my family and friends on facebook that we have started this blog to help the adoption process along. I am absolutely moved by the out pouring love and support. It was a truly hard decision to file the paperwork. It felt like I was giving up on all possibilities of having our own biological child. I have often daydreamed of having a baby that looks like my husband, and accepting the fact that it isn't going to happen for us in the conventional way breaks my heart. It feels as if I am not exercising enough faith and that maybe if I did have enough faith then we would be able to have our own children. I know I am not the only one that has felt this way and that I am not unique in the struggles that I am personally dealing with, and it is for this reason I have kept quiet about our situation and my feelings on it. I think, "Who wants to listen to the same old story and pity party?" so I just haven't said much to anyone on the subject and have had my own personal pity party in my private-corked bottle of emotion. I watch those that have adopted and admire their strength. I feel as if they are handling things much better than I am, and I want to be like them.

I am sure those of my friends that have gone through the adoption process for the same reasons Justin and I are going through have had very similar feelings facing their decisions to adopt. I haven't always dealt with my feelings the in most healthy way I am sure, but I am trying to now, Most of the time I am really okay and gung-ho, but the waiting game is a new struggle in the process. Once the decision is made, as difficult as it is, waiting has its own challenges. I struggle to talk about it without tearing up. I HATE tearing up. The worst part of that is the tightness in my throat. The streaming tears I can deal with, but not being able to talk makes it unbearable. ( I am a talker)

Facing the reality publicly kind of started with Christmas Eve.

Halloween, Easter, and Christmas are hard holidays to fully enjoy just because the activities and events center around the laughter and happiness of children. Mother's Day and Father's Day. . . well that goes without saying. This Christmas Eve, Justin and I were at our friends' house and managed to be there for the midnight activities for their children. As I was chatting with my friend while the men were in the kitchen talking about tools (I am sure it was tools), I happened to mention that setting up for Christmas morning is a side of Christmas I never get to see, and it makes me a little sad. This set off a domino effect. A few days later my friend asked me if it would be okay if she and another friend helped me with our profile on itsaboutlove.org and helped me set up a blog. She said she is determined to get us a baby in 2012.

I cannot express the love that I have felt in making these things come to fruition. The Its About Love profile is completed and looks so much better and much more reflective of who Justin and I are. This blog is a work in progress. I don't really know much about what I am doing.  We wanted birth mothers and fathers to check out our blog to really get to know us because  we are only able to put a little bit of information on the profile on the agency site.  I hope we are successful.

I asked Justin if he had anything to add, and he said, "In the words of Patrick Swazye in Ghost, 'Ditto.'